The Toilet Paper Trail Tale

The other day, I faced the inevitable. You can only put it off for so long before it creeps up on you, and I managed a stint of close to three months. The big ‘ol grocery trip. Not the quick one that takes only 15 minutes and $35. No, the “I need to clean out my fridge and van and check the bank account and clip my Superstore coupon for my $300 to $400 of groceries that we’re lacking due to my 3 month procrastination.”

So on this special occasion, I decided to spice things up a little. Life was feeling a little slow, a little stale. I thought we could use a change. And why not? There were an extra few dollars in the account…I’ll splurge a little. Try something new. And not take an hour hemming and hawing over what was the best deal, etc., etc. So I quickly scanned the items in my current aisle, checking out prices. $19.99 for 29 rolls. Double rolls. Hmmm….$14.99 for 16 rolls…nah…$19.98 for my regular 36 pack of individually packed rolls. Ok, time to take the plunge. Yes, the nagging thoughts still ran through my head…”do you use more if it’s thinner, or less if it’s thicker? Will it equal out in the end? Should I go by the number of squares on the roll, by the foot amount, the roll number per package…?” Nope, this was splurge time. I grabbed that Charmin toilet paper, threw it in my cart and didn’t look back.

Fast forward to throwing it up the stairs into the living room in a hurry to pick K1 up from school.

Fast forward to K1 arriving home from school and running upstairs ahead of me. He now enters the room. A beam of light shines down from heaven, illuminating the glorified name brand toilet paper.

“MOM!!!!” A shriek. “MOM! THANK YOU!!!! YOU BOUGHT THE SOFT KIND!” “This feels good on your bum you know!” “I can’t believe it! You bought it!”

It must be noted. Advertisement Does work.

And with that, K2, eager to participate in all the excitement, proceeds to rip open the package and distribute each roll all over the living room.
K1 immediately grabs a piece off the roll and runs upstairs. A moment later I hear him yelling, “IT’S SO SOFT ON MY BUM! It doesn’t even HURT!”

My apologies son. I didn’t realize it was so tragic before.

He runs back downstairs. “You got to feel this Mom! Just TRY it!”

“K1, don’t you dare pull down my pants.”

His response was to drop his drawers right there on my couch and demonstrate the awesome power of softness on his little tushie, while I, now losing my cool at that moment, having my floor covered in toilet paper and a tainted piece of toilet paper that I just knew was going to be cast away in his excitement, pulled out my stern don’tmesswithmom voice.
“Don’t you Dare put that used piece of toilet paper on my couch.”

Then, not wanting to ruin this spectacular moment for him, and hoping to get my floor cleaned even just a little, I cheerfully suggest, “Hey! Why don’t you bring some upstairs into the bathrooms for you to use later!” I’ve never had a suggestion be greeted with that much enthusiasm!

Fast forward to later.

I discover that apparently to K1, in order to justify putting new toilet paper in a bathroom, you must first dispose of the old paper in quick and efficient manner. So when I went upstairs, I was greeted with giant piles of toilet paper all over the bathroom floors and had the new roll placed with much care on the counter, ready to burst with softness, waiting for the next user.

And so, for the next few days, I had a lovely mound of toilet paper, all unrolled and ready for ease of use. It also must be said, Baby Girl discovered the new toilet paper and seems to like how easily it rolls off.

And thus ends the tale of the toilet paper. Come to my house, use my bathroom. K1 just may ask you about your toilet paper experience there.

Enjoy it while it lasts, my children! For it has created too much work for me to repeat again!