Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Letter "No" and the Toilet Master.

We were practicing Kiefer's spelling test when I decided I couldn't stand how his little "n"'s looked like "h"'s, so I took matters into my own hands.  We practiced n's hand over hand, and when he still forgot the concept of staying below the dotted line and starting at the top of your letter, I told him a story...
A story he can relate to, about a baby "n".  "n" stood for "no".  The baby "n" isn't allowed upstairs.  Upstairs is the place above the dotted line.  No going upstairs baby n!  Kiefer is giggling away as I explain that the dotted line is the baby gate to keep the baby downstairs.  We do some more n's.  Now I teach him the curve that goes with the n.  I tell him the baby "n" loves going upstairs so much, it reaches up and kisses the baby gate before going back down.  Kiefer is in a fit of giggles once again as we practice more "n's",  and I have a "yessss, I'm an awesome mom" moment.  For a brief moment.  

A very brief moment. 

All this talk about babies makes me realize that mine is no longer underfoot, and I know exactly where she is.  "ANEA!"  I exclaim.  Keyon starts giggling right away and chases after me as I charge up stairs, hoping I'd made it in time.

I hadn't.  My guess is she had been up there for at least a minute.  It was the worse one I'd seen yet.  The toilet hadn't been flushed and water was all over the toilet.  My eyes take in the peed in toilet, the pee water covered the toilet seat, and then my gaze follows her soaked sleeves all the way up to the toothbrush she held in her grubby hands.  A toothbrush I swore I threw out a few weeks ago, and either way, had been fished out of the garbage at one time or another.  A toothbrush that, if my deduction reasoning is up to par, I'm guessing was swirled around in the toilet before being placed in her mouth.  She just stood their grinning, her toilet water styled hair askew and a her toilet-water-garbage toothbrush dangling from her mouth, while Keyon jumped up and down, giggling and shouting his lastest nickname for her.  "Toilet Master!  Toilet Master!  Toilet Master!"

You may think you have an idea of the thoughts that went through my head at that moment, but my guess is you'd be a little off, for the first thought that ran through my head was, "I knew I shouldn't have bothered getting her dressed this morning!  All that work matching her entire outfit..."

So I stripped her, bathed her in the sink, redressed her, fed her, cheered at Kiefer's sweet "n's" and now I am thinking that baking cookies, banana bread and washing my floor can all wait for another day.  It's time for the Toilet Master's nap and to finish practicing Kiefer's spelling test.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Toilet Paper Trail Tale

The other day, I faced the inevitable. You can only put it off for so long before it creeps up on you, and I managed a stint of close to three months. The big ‘ol grocery trip. Not the quick one that takes only 15 minutes and $35. No, the “I need to clean out my fridge and van and check the bank account and clip my Superstore coupon for my $300 to $400 of groceries that we’re lacking due to my 3 month procrastination.”

So on this special occasion, I decided to spice things up a little. Life was feeling a little slow, a little stale. I thought we could use a change. And why not? There were an extra few dollars in the account…I’ll splurge a little. Try something new. And not take an hour hemming and hawing over what was the best deal, etc., etc. So I quickly scanned the items in my current aisle, checking out prices. $19.99 for 29 rolls. Double rolls. Hmmm….$14.99 for 16 rolls…nah…$19.98 for my regular 36 pack of individually packed rolls. Ok, time to take the plunge. Yes, the nagging thoughts still ran through my head…”do you use more if it’s thinner, or less if it’s thicker? Will it equal out in the end? Should I go by the number of squares on the roll, by the foot amount, the roll number per package…?” Nope, this was splurge time. I grabbed that Charmin toilet paper, threw it in my cart and didn’t look back.

Fast forward to throwing it up the stairs into the living room in a hurry to pick Kiefer up from school.

Fast forward to Kiefer arriving home from school and running upstairs ahead of me. He now enters the room. A beam of light shines down from heaven, illuminating the glorified name brand toilet paper.

“MOM!!!!” A shriek. “MOM! THANK YOU!!!! YOU BOUGHT THE SOFT KIND!” “This feels good on your bum you know!” “I can’t believe it! You bought it!”

It must be noted. Advertisement Does work.

And with that, Keyon, eager to participate in all the excitement, proceeds to rip open the package and distribute each roll all over the living room.
Kiefer immediately grabs a piece off the roll and runs upstairs. A moment later I hear him yelling, “IT’S SO SOFT ON MY BUM! It doesn’t even HURT!”

My apologies son. I didn’t realize it was so tragic before.

He runs back downstairs. “You got to feel this Mom! Just TRY it!”

“Kiefer, don’t you dare pull down my pants.”

His response was to drop his drawers right there on my couch and demonstrate the awesome power of softness on his little tushie, while I, now losing my cool at that moment, having my floor covered in toilet paper and a tainted piece of toilet paper that I just knew was going to be cast away in his excitement, pulled out my stern don’tmesswithmom voice.
“Don’t you Dare put that used piece of toilet paper on my couch.”

Then, not wanting to ruin this spectacular moment for him, and hoping to get my floor cleaned even just a little, cheerfully suggest, “Hey! Why don’t you bring some upstairs into the bathrooms for you to use later!” I’ve never had a suggestion be greeted with that much enthusiasm!

Fast forward to later.

I discover that apparently to Kiefer, in order to justify putting new toilet paper in a bathroom, you must first dispose of the old paper in quick and efficient manner. So when I went upstairs, I was greeted with giant piles of toilet paper all over the bathroom floors and had the new roll placed with much care on the counter, ready to burst with softness, waiting for the next user.

And so, for the next few days, I had a lovely mound of toilet paper, all unrolled and ready for ease of use. It also must be said, Anea discovered the new toilet paper and seems to like how easily it rolls off.

And thus ends the tale of the toilet paper. Come to my house, use my bathroom. Kiefer just may ask you about your toilet paper experience there.

Enjoy it while it lasts, my children! For it has created too much work for me to repeat again!